Perpetua

It is both fortunate and unfortunate that I am so loved by my parents that I don't nor have I ever had a need for the affection of another relative, say, a grandparent.

Which is why I have never been close to any of the elders in our clan, not as close as some of my cousins are perhaps. For example, as horrible as this may sound, whenever a Lolo or a Lola dies, I have never been in grief. I'd be sad, sure. I'd even cry. But I have never been gripped by a debilitating sadness that would not enable me to perform everyday.

However, this particular death bothered me the most. Lola Perpetua --- Etreng as she is fondly called (my family of the weird nicknames) --- died last Friday. She died alone in her home.

All I know of my Lola Etreng is that she was an amazingly weird cook. Weird because she would put ingredients in dishes that you won't normally see in them (e.g. red sago in buko salad -- ever had PINK buko salad?) but amazing because it would taste great. Whenever the clan would go on vacation or have a party, while all the other families would bring one or two dishes, Lola Etreng would bring ten --- not including dessert.

Lola Etreng knew only one trade --- she was market vendor. This is why she had to live alone. She lived on her spot on a small market place in Manila. She had to stay close to her work.

Every day, his son, my Tito Boy (every family has a Tito Boy. I think I have two) would come to her house to help her market. That Friday morning, when Tito Boy knocked on the door, no one answered. When he managed to open the latch, he saw his mother on the floor, foaming at the mouth.

Now, I am horrified at the thought of being alone. I'm starting to think that maybe I am destined --- perhaps trained --- to be alone. Only child? Check. Single Mom? Check. Even at work I am the sole Senior Media Specialist. See a pattern? Which is why I force myself to deal with the complexities, the inanity, the awful, awful mind games that guys play so I can date them and assure myself that I am at least doing something to make sure I won't die alone.

But now I know, we can't be sure.

Lola Perpetua had five children and about ten grandchildren. None of them were there when she died. Not because they didn't want to --- it was circumstance. These things suck but they happen.

Now what could have gone through Lola Perpetua's mind as she laid there, her heart a weapon against her own body. Did she fumble for the phone? Did she try to scream for help? Was there fear in her heart? Did she cry? Or did she just lie there and thought "What the hell. Bring it on"
What I do hope is that in her final minutes, she saw an apparition --- heck, even a hallucination --- of her husband Domeng, leaning over her, smiling. So that even in her mind, she was not alone.